Posted the 14/05/2008 01:00:00 by Well done fillet (visit website)
E is for...
...Early Bird Specials. Fuck do I hate Early Bird Bloody Specials. I hate that bloody phrase. I hate the people who ask for it. I hate having to sell it. I hate it's many derivatives such as Beat the Fucking Clock and The Meal for Fucking Two. Fuck off. Don't get me wrong I like a bargain as much as the next handsome waiter but I don't go searching for them. It's the cheap fuckwits who phone round restaurants looking for one with an Early Bird Special. Catch a grip! And when you have to serve the bastards they never read the small print, they try to make 20 substitutions, they get paranoid they are getting less than people ordering from the proper menu and they never ever fucking tip. Almost all restaurant promotions are shit and just attract the cheap and the old. So to recap I don't like Early Bird Specials.
it's also for...
...Eight O'Clock. Eight o'clock on a Saturday night is prime time, it's ground zero, it's when the fan is about to get hit with more than shit, oh so much more. And it's not just Saturday night either. Eight o'clock is when most people want to eat. Bless them. So with that in mind bloody book in advance.
and...
....Everything. Just make a decision.
"What can I get you sir?"
"Oh everything, it all looks great!"
"Yes sir, maybe I could help?"
"Oh I dunno I like everything."
"Well just choose one"
"I really want everything."
"Yes Sir, it's all great."
"Everything is just so tempting."
"Choose one"
"I really cant"
"Choose one"
"I'm just not sure."
"Choose one"
[repeat until someone is dead]
as well as...
...Envy. We have all done it. We order the lovely lamb or the healthy fish and our dining partner orders a big fat steak. We feel smug because we ordered something different but when the food comes we get all jealous and grumpy. Our lamb is tiny and our fish is bland but their steak is man sized and bloody gorgeous. Envy creeps in and your meal is ruined.
and not forgetting...
...Espresso. That's espresso, say it with me E-SPRES-OH. And again E-SPRES-OH. Easy isn't it? So quit with the very annoying EXspreso. It's annoying and makes me flinch and not want to serve you. Yes I know it's pedantic but there you go. Learn it and we can all move on.
and definitely not forgetting...
...Entree. Oh you crazy Americans! Entree is a French word meaning entry or entrance. So why for the love of all that is right and just in the wide world of sport do you use it to refer to your main course? Why? Why? Why? I mean do you realise the difficulty it causes when you dine in restaurants in Europe? For everybody else in the world the entree is the starter. Come on now get it sorted.